Breaking News: Lesbian Sits in Chair Like Regular Human
Photos surfaced early this morning of a Lesbian sitting "normally" in a chair. No legs draped over chair arms, no slouch and spread, no foot tucked under butt.
"I'm shook. It's like I don't even know who she is anymore," said the victim's long-term girlfriend.
This phenomenon was thought to be proven impossible by years of qualitative research conducted by scientists in the field. "I've studied thousands of gays in their natural habitats, and not once in my career have I ever seen one sit like that," stated Bill Nay the Science Gay when showed the photo of the alleged Straight Sitting Lesbian.
The LGBTQ+ Community is encouraged do wellness checks in this uncertain time to ensure Hetero Sitting does not spread among its members.
If you are concerned about the well-being of one of your local gays, check the signs of a heteronormative sitting pattern.
❌Both feet flat on the floor
❌Hands clasped delicately together on their lap (or arms are at 90° on the arm rest if there is one)
❌Back is straight showing "good posture"
❌Legs are uncrossed and the inner thighs are touching
❌Body is alert yet relaxed and not showing signs of Lesbian Distress (i.e. running hands through hair at a rate of 60x/min Kristen Stewart style)
If they are exhibiting 2 or more of these symptoms, they may be sitting like a het.
Remember, speed is key to effective treatment. The following strategies have been known to treat Hetero Sitting:
✅Ask them to tell you everything wrong with Blue is the Warmest Colour - and then everything right with it
✅Listen to a Janelle Monáe album
✅Cuff their sleeves to remind them of their roots
✅Show them videos of the USWNT (specifically Ashlynn Harris thirst traps)
✅Practice intense eye contact while giving longing looks across the room
If symptoms persist for longer than 12 hours contact an emergency Homosexual Professional to avoid long-term damage.